OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
