I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
