Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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