Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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