The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
