just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
