I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
