So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
