my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
