walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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