omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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