i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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