Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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