Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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