god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
