I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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