If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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