i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
