I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
