if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
