my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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