I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
