you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
