Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
