The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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