just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
