i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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