Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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