no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize