im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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