OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
