i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
