I hate your face
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The struggles of a small town man whore
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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