If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
