I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
