did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
