Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
