I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
