Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
