why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
