sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
