I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
