I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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