I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
of course. lets lasso hookers.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
