When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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