You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
