Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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