I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Rumble strips road head = magical
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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