he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
