Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
