Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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