I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
