She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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