Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
