i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Less talking, more tequila
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
