i already hear my dad disowning me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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