we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
