my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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