She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize