John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
