There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
